Bachelor's tips for cleaning dishes

University students are a hard-pressed lot. With a whopping 15 hours spent in class each week, they barely have enough time to get the rest of their important things done with the remaining 153 hours. Sleeping and pointless comments on Facebook may account for some of the time spent away from class, but not all of it. According to RAs, students spend most of their extra-curricular time avoiding their dish-washing duties.

In order to alleviate this dish-washing crisis so that students can return to their previously productive lives, I’ve put together a list of five tips for cleaning dishes faster and more easily.

The Swirly – Here’s a dirty little secret dish-washing companies have been hiding for years: high powered toilets can clean dishes with just a flick of the flusher. Science proves that nothing cuts grease faster than urine-saturated water. But does it really work? Does it really matter? If you’re lazy enough to be asking, you’re lazy enough to try.

Get a dog – Nothing puts the shine on dishes like the drool-laden tongue of a dog. Though dishes may smell like dog afterward, this can be averted by slipping mouthwash into your pooch’s water dish. PETA may take issue with this, but who can argue with clean dishes? It saves on the hydro bill and gets the dishes done. Sounds like a win-win scenario to me.

Recycle – Why is it necessary to clean dishes at all? Why not use the same bowl over and over again? It saves on money and the need to season your food. Just think: you can eat this morning’s cereal with the added bonus of tasting last night’s chili. Mmm. Delicious.

Get a girlfriend – Why date for love when you can date for clean dishes? Girls know that the fastest way to a guy’s heart is through his stomach and the second fastest is by letting him know he never has to clean another glass in his life. Get the girl and you’ll get sparkling dishes too.

Become a Scythian – Try living like the nomadic Scythians of the second century A.D. who were notoriously bad at washing their dishes too. Every time they wanted a clean wine goblet, they’d chop off an enemy’s head and drink out of his skull. Sure, this method is gross, unsanitary, and frowned upon by the authorities, but then again, so is not washing your dorm dishes.

 

If none of the above worked for you, you and your dorm-mates should try to take turns washing the dishes regularly. This revolutionary idea is not much practiced on campus, but it’s sure to keep the cockroaches out of the sink and the fruit flies out of the air.

 

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