Band geeks investigated for their 'Ode to Joy'

Lucy S. Diamond - Clown Reporter

The Redeemer community is in shock this morning, after learning that the school’s Symphonia is being investigated for steroid use. Officials became suspicious after Redeemer’s music group gave their final performance, last Friday night.

“The musicians looked like they were enjoying themselves too much. We also noticed that their fiddler fiddled a little too fast,” said Gary Smith, the lead investigator in the inquiry. “They must have been filling up on something funny.”

In a prepared statement, an incredibly ripped spokesperson for the music department denied the allegations. “There is no way these charges are even remotely true. If our musicians are filled with anything, it is the Holy Spirit.”

“Not likely,” Smith responded. “We have credible reports that they sing about having ‘the joy, joy down in their hearts’. I think it is safe to say we all know what ‘joy’ is a euphemism for.”

Redeemer’s school board had an emergency meeting to decide their next move in the legal proceedings. The meeting was eventually adjourned, with little headway made, due to an argument about a lack of coffee creamers.

On a possibly unrelated note, investigators have noticed an increasing trend in valve oil missing from the music room.

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