Finding true love

Hello everyone, thank you for being a monthly reader of Dear First Years. I would like to shake things up a bit by writing about love. I’ve already been confronted by a good friend and told that I should probably get someone else to write this article. Thanks, Emma-Jane, for the vote of romantic confidence. I’m one of Redeemer’s token feminists. Equality, that’s all I ask for.  And world peace.

To my left is my very good, and very old, friend Charles! Say hi, Chuck. Hi. Now, Charles and I are sitting in my condo – with my roommate/reader-over-of-articles and her rat – and we are discussing love, more specifically, Redeemer love. The funny thing is, Charles doesn’t go to Redeemer. Right, well, I’ve been to Church in the Box and I’ve held hands with people there when singing that handholding song. While talking about love we noticed certain trends amongst Redeemer students, but also amongst many early 20-something Christians. The trends that will be disgusting – oops, that we’ll be DISCUSSING are as follows:  rushing into things, making marriage the Holy Grail, binge dating, and so much more!! So let’s get on with it...

Joy: Charlie, I have a riddle for you, who is old, in debt, B.A. in hand, wedding-ring-less, and index finger waving high? I know the answer to this riddle, because I will be that person in a few months and also because I have seen so many of these people leave Redeemer without –I’m vomiting in my mouth now- an M.R.S. The question is, why is there such an emphasis placed on needing someone to stand beside while parents and new in-laws take one thousand photos of you at graduation? At times it seems that we’re overwhelmed with the fear that outside of Redeemer, eligible Christians are scarce and the only other options are eHarmony or robots.

Charles: I think that this question may illustrate exactly what it denounces.  The problem that occurs when one believes that it is necessary to get married before graduation, is the same problem that occurs when one thinks it better to marry after that diploma. When we begin planning our future according to the best of our ability, we quickly find that our ability to plan is greatly out-done by life’s ability to change those plans.  That you feel it is crucial to marry at some preferred time in your life needs to be recognized as exactly that – a feeling, and feelings change.  There is no general rule to follow here regarding when is the appropriate time to get married, save one: go with all things to God in prayer.  Ask Him to guide you in your romances, be they one, or many.  Seek the peace that He gives to those who patiently await His answers.  Know that whether you graduate beside your significant other or you graduate 7 years later with two Masters degrees and the ability to teach Korean children English, if you place your trust in God, you will never be disappointed.

Joy: Right, so you’re pretty smart. Let’s move on to another rant from your friendly, neighbourhood realist…would it be too hard to place a federal law into effect that both parties in a marriage must be able to cook Kraft dinner or even boil water before they are wed?! I appreciate independence. I like that I can provide for myself and pay the hydro bills without being helped. I don’t rely on anyone to help me get through the day. Unlike my parent’s generation, I think it is necessary for a person to experience life between childhood and marriage. If you’re reading this, first year, you’ve already done just that, so 10 points for you. You’ve moved away from home, you’re living slightly independently, but that doesn’t mean you should be married tomorrow. Oh boy, I’m making a huge mess out of this one. Charlie, do you think you can explain this better with the big words you use so well?

Charles:  It seems to me that you are suggesting that a person should experience life before they settle down.  My question in return would be what do you mean by “life”?  Could not marriage be a valid type of life that people choose to experience?  I guess I am just wary of putting constraints and “federal laws” into place that might not best apply to everyone.  Having said this, I do think it is wise for a person to learn how to care for him or herself before they do marry someone and find that they are more of a burden than a blessing.  This is simply practical.  It is often said that the first year of marriage is the hardest because both individuals are forced to learn how to live with the habits and peculiarities of the other.  I can only think that this would be made easier if both partners knew how to make Kraft Dinner.

Joy: You’re so right. Hey, do you remember the time I ran over my best friend at camp? Speaking of Sarah, she’s going to be the best segue into my next rant. Sorry, Sarah, but you dated around. She’s happily married now (at the ripe age of 24) and happy as a Florida clam. The issue I’m bringing up has to do more with the before, rather than the after, of marriage. I call it ‘Binge Dating’, and it is an epidemic, especially at Redeemer. Charles and I grew up in a small network of churches where everyone in the church dated everyone, twice over. I thought it was a type of Christian incest to do that, but I was also 12 and I had just learned the word incest.  This rant is a doozie because it seems like Christian post-secondary institutions are meant first for breeding and then maybe an education. Yet, I say NAY. Also, it is hard for someone my age to remember which guy is taking which girl out on long walks around campus. So here’s my question for you: Is there really a need to date around? Is it beneficial for a student to have a “special someone” every year/month/class?

Charles: I too have a best friend.  For a while, that friend decided it was absolutely imperative that he find someone to marry.  During that several month period, he “dated” more girls than I can remember.  At the time, the rest of us made fun of him and sang “Flavour of the Week” behind his back.  In hindsight, however, I am not so sure he had it wrong.  Each girl that he spent time with became someone that he knew was not for him.  Each girl that is, until the last one.  I was a groomsman in their wedding this last summer.  The thing is, I don’t think that he “dated around.”  For him, it was just a matter of spending time with various girls until he found one that suited him (in a tux).  There was nothing promised other than the idea that he was interested in them.  He did not break anyone’s heart.  There are a few things that I think it is important to know about dating.  First, a “date” does not presuppose a relationship.  For girls, that means that just because a guy likes you and asks you out on a date it does not mean that you are a couple.  Instead it should be viewed as a chance to get to know each other to see if there is anything there.  In this way, the pressure is taken off both parties.  Second, when you are serious about “dating” a person (also known as going steady, courting, and a whole host of other unjustifiably outdated terms) there should be an understanding that a particular question will be answered in this process – should we get married?  This does not mean that if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend that you are going to marry them.  It means that you are both trying to figure out if that is a possibility.  In order to do this, both are required to invest of themselves something that is special to that relationship.  So, to answer your question Joy, I think that if a person is going on casual dates with many different people then there is nothing wrong with that.  However, if a person is seriously dating person after person after young Justin Cooper look-alike, then pretty soon there will be nothing left for them to invest.

Joy: Chuck, I like your style! I think that we did a mighty fine job of tackling the topic of love and marriage. Oh, my personal editor is reminding me that the importance of prayer needs to be emphasized as well. She says that everyone (even mature, trusted Christian adults) will have different opinions regarding dating, and that each and everyone needs to do what God is leading them to, especially in regards to dating. Thanks, Stef! Oh and hey, my friend and your girlfriend, Rachel, wants to share her wisdom with us, too!

Rachel:  Hey readers, I believe that what Joy and Charles have to say in this article holds credibility.  They touch on some pretty key points of dating, and specifically dating at Redeemer. While at Redeemer I witnessed, and sometimes experienced, the unreasonable [and reasonable] hopes that people invest into relationships; the tendency to rush into romantic escapades; and the idea that marriage is an accomplishment to be checked off of life’s to-do list (by the age of 21). I believe in the importance of acquiring certain skill sets before entering into the covenant of marriage; such as washing your own laundry and cleaning that nasty bathroom in Dorm 9. In conclusion, I pray that you have found at least some of the points in this article relevant. Thanks for reading. Have a nice day.

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