Possible Kidnapping on Sesame Street: 3 suspects apprehended

SESAME WORKSHOP - Police are looking for Big Bird, the well known resident of Sesame Street, who has been missing for 48 hours. Though Big Bird has no known enemies, his neighbours suspect foul play.

Police investigating the case have three suspects. By pulling some illegal vigilante reporter strings, the newspaper invaded their personal privacy and blackmailed them into talking.

The first suspect, a Gang leader known as “Mack Knife”, swears he didn’t do it. “I don’t know nothing about it,” he said.

“I’m not sad about it though,” the Knife said later, grinning like a shark. “The word on the street is The Bird went to an out of town hospital with avian flu, and that’s not something I want.”

When asked why the police think he’s a suspect, the Knife said, “I’m the leader of the Hate Sesame Gang. I hate everything to do with Sesames: seeds, buns, streets—I hate it all. They think I have it in for the bird because I know he’s a stool pigeon.”

The second suspect is 10 year old Abigail Sims. Miss Sims has no idea why the police are investigating her. “Big Bird is my idol,” she said. “I would never do anything to harm him. Never in a million years.”

Abigail couldn’t stop talking about Big Bird. “I have posters of him everywhere in my room. Oh my gosh! I even have a Big Bird tattoo on both of my biceps—want to see them?” she asked.

The third suspect is Mr. Snuffleupagus, a reclusive woolly elephantine creature, who was heard to hang around with Big Bird. He was not available for comment. The word on the street is he kidnapped his feathered friend and sold him to Colonel Sanders (of Kentucky fame).

Though police are investigating the incident, Police Chief, Tom Crick’n-eck, says that no one should panic. “This is not the first time a bird has gone missing from its community. For all we know, He’s migrated to Florida for the winter.”

Big Bird’s neighbours are outraged that the police don’t appear to be working very hard to solve what they believe is a “terrible tragedy.” The Count listed on his fingers the number of times the police have botched similar cases, Oscar the Grouch trash talked the plain clothes detectives sifting through his garbage for evidence, and Elmo giggled uncontrollably from a nervous breakdown.

Sesame Street’s locals are taking matters into their own hands and urging anyone with information regarding Big Bird’s whereabouts to call 1-800-753-2219. “He’s a bit of a bird brain, always has his head in the clouds. He’s a bit of a big chicken too, but we love him and want him back,” neighbour Bert said.

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