Redeemer Guitar Crooners May Endanger Wildlife

Angry residents in Redeemer’s married apartments row are wondering what is it about warm weather that makes guys caterwaul outside while strumming on recently purchased guitars. Canadian literary critic Northrop Frye may have the answer.

According to Frye, the season of Spring is a symbol of fertility. Thus young males, like other hormonal creatures of instinct, feel the need to attract a mate in warm weather. Their falsetto voice change and badly tuned guitar playing are designed to do just this.

“Does this happen all over, or only at Redeemer?” one disgruntled resident asked.

Sadly, pseudoscientists have shown that off-key crooning during Springtime is a national phenomenon. Thousands of young men flock to porches, malls, beaches, and parks each year in order to shrill their mating calls.

Though some may have their doubts, out of tune screeching does actually attract females—though not always of the same species. Apparently a herd of Moose wandered off their migratory path last week and attacked several young men, after being attracted by their caterwauling. Later, the OPP found the Moose lost in the city with a group of equally lost camels, smoking cigarettes.

“This has got to stop,” the Canadian Wildlife Federation said in a prepared statement last Wednesday. “Our Moose are getting confused, attacking people, mixing with the wrong crowd, and ultimately exposing themselves to lung cancer because of these crooning Don Juans. Save the wildlife, save your own life, and save your neighbour’s ears. Please stop!”

The Crown reserves the right to edit or remove any comment that:

• is libelous, threatening, obscene, or constitutes hate speech
• directly and deliberately insults other posters
• is promotional or commercial in nature