Roll up the Rim fever hits campus, hundreds feared dead

BURNABY, B.C. (CUP) — It’s that time of year again: Roll Up the Rim fever has descended upon campus, leaving a swath of bodies in its wake.

The first report of a person infected with the new strain came from second-year student Eliza Ribalto: patient zero. Friends of Eliza say that she had been acting strangely, that she seemed “jitterier and hadn’t slept for a while”. Most disturbing of all seemed to be her inability to speak without rolling her ‘R’s. She was found dead in her dorm room last Wednesday.

“We simply weren’t prepared,” professor of health sciences Amir Khaleel recalls. “This strain was so radically different from anything we’ve seen before. Our vaccines couldn’t put a dent in it. Eventually we had to resort to a containment strategy. It was full-blown quarantine.”

He would like to remind students that the areas marked with the cement gray ‘X’s are strictly off-limits until sterilization teams have made their rounds.

Health officials have stated that it is going to get worse before it gets better and that the best action is to simply let the virus run its course. This comes as cold comfort to many students who are finally recovering from the effects of last fall’s outbreak of McDonald’s Monopo-nucleosis.