Roommates enter fourth month of chore stand-off

BURNABY, B.C. (CUP) — Tensions remain high in Burnaby, B.C. as three young men continue one of the longest chore standoffs in the history of their apartment complex.

The conflict began in the wake of a Halloween party hosted by the trio and has resulted in a complete avoidance of cleanliness not seen since the series premiere of Hoarders.

The festivities, which left the suite covered with empty coke cans, pizza boxes and popcorn, have made the three-bedroom apartment only slightly more unkempt than usual. Despite this, disagreement over the division of cleanup duties has resulted in an ongoing refusal of responsibilities.

After months spent in increasingly filthy living quarters, the rapidly aging, but never maturing, twentysomethings have long-since run out of clean dishes and cutlery. The result has been a series of progressively more creative and disgusting dining practices.

One roommate, Joss O’Payne, told The Peak that at this point he sees no other choice, but to move out.

“I just want to be able to walk across the apartment without stepping on the fuzz,” pleaded O’Payne, colloquially referring to the black mould that developed in a puddle of spilled milk. Clad in a large garbage bag he had fashioned into a makeshift smock, O’Payne says he’s sick of the extreme measures he’s been forced to adopt in order to stay healthy.

Things are not looking up, however, based on a statement by roommate Bryan Bossington: “I dunno, man, I kind of like it. It’s relaxing.”

“At this point you just need to embrace it,” said the third roommate, who wished to remain nameless. “Besides, I washed two of Joss’ pots in the second week of October, so it’s only a matter of time before he comes to his senses and picks up the slack.”

Pundits believe this weekend could be a turning point for the roommates’ motivation, as Bossington’s long-time girlfriend has informed him that they “need to talk.”