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Top Ten Places I've Never Been in the 00's
Wednesday, December 16th, 2009
10. I have never been to jail. If I had been to jail, it would have been spelled “gaol”, because I lived in Goderich. Fun fact: Steven Truscott narrowly eluded a death sentence while spending time in the Goderich Gaol.
9. I have never been to a 100-level course before 10:00 am. Don’t worry, I smartened up in time to get an education that qualifies me for this job – although, Dr. Faber can attest to some fluttery lashes in Literary Criticism some years ago. Showing up is half the battle, folks.
8. I have never been to Middle-Earth. That is fictional. But Dr. Loney brought me to Middle-Earth in my mind, and I can tell you that if there was a time for the courage of men to fail, that was it. I would have thrown in the mithril, because my visualization of Mordor was pretty realistic.
7. I have been to Carolina, but not in my mind. I have very little to go from, possibly because of the lack of tourist literature on the state, or maybe because I had my mind on Florida when I passed through it. Whatever the case, it’s rolling hills (or was it vast plains?) stick in my mind like a vacant splinter. Which is to say, not at all. I might as well have never been there. Incidentally, Orange Lake resort in Florida was a riot. It’s where I got one of my most legendary scars.
6. I have never been in the Minstrel. One way or another, I get stymied by that darn Peter Frieswick. Or, I have never submitted. I can’t remember which.
5. I have never been in the Library bathrooms. Before the Library was finished, a friend and I expertly hopped the barrier into the nearly-finished facility, and I distinctly remember seeing bathroom signs on the doors by the new computer lab, where the two tables are. I thought, “that would be very awkward, in a silent library.” Evidently, somebody agreed.
4. I have never been through door XI, in the school basement. During my brief stint as a student security officer, I went into almost every room in this building, except one. There was a door in the basement labeled XI, and only the more sinister professors in the science department had access to it. I would occasionally hear blood-curdling screams through that door, often followed by “tell someone I’m not actually teaching in Korea!”. So, if your loved ones' voice seems a bit electronic on the phone, they might be running cheese-mazes beneath the quad.
3. I have never been in a modified Delorean at 88mph. If I ever am, however, this passage will change, with a Hollywood-like fade-in. Keep this around just in case, and I will give you a peek at the flux capacitor.
2. I have never been to Europe. I passed on an opportunity to study in Oxford to finish my History major, which, if you consider what I would have seen there, is a bit ironic. At least, it’s unfortunate. But, I have been to Florida!
1. I have never been fully inside of the Orchard. Besides the time my first-year dorm reduced an easy chair to a stack of charred springs and melted fabric clips, I haven’t been even four trees deep into Redeemer’s park-like forest. Maybe that’s just me, but if there are more in that situation, join me in fulfilling a personal goal; take a walk through the orchard.
One place I have been, but wish I haven't:
· The Air Canada Center, two years ago. I took my soon-to-be wife to see her first NHL game with some friends, only to see the buds finish 1-7 against Carolina with no fights – essentially rolling over and playing dead. I ended up cheering for Eric Staal.
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